The Amazing Properties of Dark Suckers

While I an not sure where I got this, someone said it first came from a Bell Labs newsletter.

For years it has been believed that electric bulbs emitted light. However, recent information from Bell Telephone Labs has proved otherwise. Electric bulbs don't emit light, they suck dark! Thus we now call these bulbs dark suckers. The dark sucker theory, according to Bell lab's scientists, proves that dark has a mass heavier than light and that dark is faster than light.

The basis of the dark sucker theory is that electric bulbs suck dark. Take for example the dark suckers in the room where you are. There is less dark right next to the bulbs than there is elsewhere. The larger the dark sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark suckers in parking lots have much greater capacity than the ones in a room. As with all things, dark suckers don't last forever! Once they are full of dark they can no longer suck. This is proven by the big black spot on a full dark sucker.

A candle is a primitive dark sucker. A new candle has a white wick. You will notice that after their first use, the wick turns black, representing all the dark that has been sucked into it. If you hold a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, the tip will burn black because it got in the way of the dark flowing into the candle. Dark has mass. When dark goes into a dark sucker, friction from this mass generated heat. It is not wise to touch an operating dark sucker. Candles represent a special problem as the dark must travel in the solid wick instead of glass. This generates a great amount of heat. Thus it is dangerous to touch an operating candle.

Dark is also heavier than light. If you swim deeper and deeper, you notice it gets slowly darker and darker. At about fifty feet, you are in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom and the lighter light floats to the top! The immense power of the dark can be utilized to man's advantage. We can collect the dark that has settled to the bottom of lakes and push it through turbines which generates electricity and helps push dark to the oceans where it may be safely stored. Prior to turbines, it was much more difficult to get dark from rivers and lakes to the oceans.

Finally, dark is faster than light. If you were to stand in an illuminated room in front of a closet then slowly opened the closet door you would see the light slowly enter the closet, but since dark is so fast you would not be able to see the dark leave the closet. Concluding this scientific paper, Bell labs stated that dark suckers make our lives much easier, so the next time you look at an electric bulb, remember that is indeed a dark sucker.


My apologizes for posting without attributing an author. I have recently searched the net and found this posted elsewhere, so it must be public domain.